PR - 7.23

So I'm feeling a little better. I must have been feeling really irritable, sleepy and home sick. Calling Charlotte home is a big step, I don't think I've ever really MISSED Charlotte. Anywho... Puerto Rico. Today was filled with laughter and sight seeing. My aunt Maria pulled up in her rental at about 5:30am, and thats when I started my day. Made an awesome breakfast at about 9am, and edited pics all morning. When every one else finally woke up, we showered and went out to see some sights. We went to town and got some 'piraguas' and walked two beaches. One was pretty desolate and the other was packed. Being around my cousin, Mary Lou, has lightened my mood a bit; finally having some kind of sense of home next me has made me feel better. When we got home my Aunt Maritza pulled up with her three girls: Leysha, Daysa, and Dayleen; we had a lot of fun while every one else was cooking. My uncle Carlos' daughter, Karina, played with us aswell. I ended up plucking yellow flowers and putting it behind all of their ears. After I did it for the youngest, Dayleen, everyone else wanted one... haha. Aunt Maritza's SUV was down and out, and *every one* seemed to be wanting to fix it. The problem was a torn radiator hose. When the repairs and food were done, my aunt ended up pulling out a cake and singing happy birthday to her husband, Luis, and that was desert for the night. Every one seemed to be happy,and it was beautiful. When it got really dark I noticed the stars were out, so I went out on the roof to star gaze with Mary Lou, aunt Maria's daughter, my cousin. We just enjoyed the nice breeze and some music from her iPod. I noticed how we both have similar tastes in music even after having being apart for such a long time, after I moved to North Carolina. There are pictures here from when we visited P.R as young kids. Its amazing how much has changed and how little *we* have. Tomorrow hopes to be another beautiful family day, we're supposed to be making 'empanadas' at Aunt Maritza's house.

PR - 7.22

My cousin arrived less than 20 minutes ago. Her flight details... sucked, worse than mine. I got a full night's worth of sleep waiting for her to get here. I was planning to wake up and make them breakfast, but they had eaten Burger King on the way here and I didn't wake up in time. I'm hungry. My day before going to bed yesterday was very short. I didn't shoot any pictures. I'm beginning to get dissatisfied with my trip. I'm spending too much time at the stores here and I'm not spending too much time out of the house. We went to Sam's Club in Ponce, which is about an hour away, at around 4:30pm. We got back at 10:00pm. My phone finally worked there. Once I got signal, it became more useful. People I had not talked to since I left were texting me the whole afternoon. I enjoyed that. Work is waiting for me when I get back to Charlotte, that felt good. The only room with A/C is not my room any more. Its going to be hot nights for the rest of my trip. I played with my younger cousins [Aunt Maritza's three kids] today. I felt a closer bond with them when they pulled off at about 10:30pm. I went to bed after that. I want to believe I'm enjoying myself. I miss my puppy. I know it will get better now that my cousin is here. I realized I can buy alcohol, since the drinking age here is 18. Interesting. Where is the youth here? I wonder where the cool kids hang out... hmmm?

PR - 7.21

My grand-dad recently had most of his front teeth pulled out by some obscure dentist and today his brother [my great uncle] came to visit him. My grandfather didn't know he was a dentist in Chicago, and my great Uncle didn't know his teeth were missing. He went home, gathered some supplies, and came right back with a whole bunch of different materials and tools to make dentures. The process took about an hour, and at the time I was editing a picture of my grandfather's mother, Uncle dentist's step mother and my great grandmother. I'm hoping I can find a good print shop and a craft store so I can buy some stuff to frame it.
My mother decided she'd cook out today and called my Aunt Maritza to make some rice and come over and eat. She grilled some chicken in my Grandfather's grill with charcoal, a taste I can only remember from my early years, back when I was about 6; when gas grills became huge. She made potato salad, and boiled some plantains. We ate really well!
I went with my grand dad to meet up with Aunt Maritza's husband, Tito, at my Great Unlcle Dentist's house to talk about a construction job. He wants to extend the rear end of his house by 20 feet. They measured up the dimensions and worked out numbers while I shot some pictures. My grand dad looks good in his glasses. Tito has been out of work for a few weeks and this is a good thing coming to him and his brother. The economy here in Puerto Rico is crap and its rough times for a lot of labor workers.
When we got back I finally opened up my laptop and started typing out these journals, which I had handwritten because of my charger being broken. My Uncle Carlos came into the house, stopped me and asked me to come with him to drop off some of the fish they caught to a friend from work and to drop off the rear differencial from a 50s Ford Bronco to some mechanic. Of course I agreed. When we got to the mechanic's shop, my attention was immediately caught by a Mazda Protege that was lowered and was labeled Mazdaspeed/turbo. You guys know how I love cars. I wandered off when I noticed that right outside of the shop, there was a beautiful view of Yauco and the surrounding mountains at dusk. I took my camera out and shot a nice picture of the view. When I went back into the shop the owner of the shop noticed my interest in the Protege and told me he had something else covered up that he thought I would like. He pulled back the cover to show me an old yellow Datsun restored and drag ready. It was a beautiful sight, until he did the unthinkable; he opened up the hood: SR20DET, custom EVERYTHING; hybrid Garrett turbo, shop designed fuel injectors, etc. adding up to 500hp; it became beast. I ended up having a long conversation with the mechanic about my old Celica and politics, we exchanged knowledge on issues in Puerto Rico and the United States. Pretty good bonding experience with my Uncle as well. We drove back and I conclude my day by writing this journal.

PR - 7.20

Water park? What a JOKE! The line was as long as 2 football fields and the sun was set on Hell! We ended up leaving my aunt's sister in law, after standing in line for an hour and a half, and going to see some sights around the area instead. We went to a view point where you could see the beach, but I didn't bring my camera since we were going to the water park. I ended up missing lots of great shots today. We went to a flea market [more shopping?] and I bought a pair of much needed sun glasses. After that we went to Burger King and back to Aunt Maritza's house.
She has a hammock that my mom had given to her as a gift many years ago, so I put it up and laid in it behind a beautiful view. I realized after an hour or two that I had fallen asleep, so I got up and went into her house and watched Spiderwick. My aunt Maritza's kids were out and about playing all around the house until some man selling strange fruit, called quenepas, came by and they all came to a stand still and focused on the fruit. What a beautiful picture.
We got all of our stuff together and went back to my Grandparent's house. I took my laptop out again to see what the problem was and I diagnosed that there was a broken connection within my charger cable. I dissected the cable and made the best attempt at fixing the problem I could. After a copper cable and electrical tape, I had access to my laptop. Having my laptop meant a few things. I could:
-work on my new poem
-write my journals for each day for my blog
-shoot pics and edit at the end of the day
-upload pics from my camera to my laptop and have the freedom to shoot as many pictures as I want on this trip
-get on the internet when ever I get to a house that has it
-have something to do during down time
There are all good things! I watched TV for a little while and then went to bed after that. Being in the sun is draining.

PR - 7.19

After eating breakfast, which for me, consisted of yesterday's left overs from my mountain top pork spot, we went shopping. Thats what makes my mother happy, shopping. We went to K-Mart and a few other small shops, nothing really special. I'm not dissatisfied with a long day of random shopping, although I am getting bored, really fast. My mom asked me if I wanted to go with my aunt Maritza's sister in law to a water park tomorrow, and I agreed to it only because I knew I wouldn't do anything on Sunday else if I denied the offer. My grandfather and Uncle Carlos went fishing in the afternoon. I tried to tag along, but the boat was small and they felt that I wouldn't enjoy myself and I would get sea sick. I didn't feel like pushing for it, but I was disappointed to be the only male to stay at my grandparent's house. I also feel like they think I'm not "outdoorsy" enough since I've grown up in the United States. I ended up eating some more home cooked food and went to bed at my Aunt Maritza's house. No A/C, yuck. Short day.

PR - 7.18

Hello blog world. I find myself writing to you all from Yauco, Puerto Rico. I will write an update every day for each day that I am here, telling you all about my days and how they are spent. My cousin and her family will be coming to join me very soon, I'm excited about that.

Today I woke up after an hour of sleep after doing the whole Thursday night Wine Up routine. Me and my mom went to the airport, and as usual, my travel plans were tainted in some kind of way. The airline overbooked the flight by 30 passangers, and were offering flyers a free round trip flight if we re-scheduled our flight to a later departure. Of course I saw passed the idiocracy going on and fought to keep our flight in order. We ended up leaving 30 minutes late and arriving on time.
The actual flight was all turbulance, from the moment we took off, to the moment we landed. I ended up sitting next to an older tourist couple, who were very awkward and sleepy, and had a short conversation with them before we all fell into a deep sleep. They said I reminded them of their nephew, who is in film school some where in Pennsylvania. The pilot got on the intercom and told us we were going to land. I had doubts in his flying experience so I was wide awake for the landing. I got off of the plane safely.
It was 1:30pm. The air was hot and thick with humidity. My aunt, Maritza; one of her daughters, Dayleen; and her husband, Tito; picked us up to drive 3 hours from the airport in San Juan to my Grandparents house in Yauco. I slept through the most of the drive. I was thrilled to find out we had stopped for food, for I had not eaten since Wine Up, the night before. We sat down at this roasted pork spot hidden at the top of a mountain. The food was to die for and engraved in my mind for ever. When we got to my grandparent's house... My laptop's charger was broken and I had nothing else to do, so I went straight to sleep.

Colors

Its been months since I give myself the time to write on my blog, its something I am really guilty about. For those of you disappointed, I'm sorry. For those of you who are not, you should be. Here's something new I'm working on... remember- work in progress, ya'll get the exclusive. :)

Being is a hard thing to live with when you're a leaf.
Lost. lonely. broken. scared. abused. blind.

This is to:
The young girls who want to love little boys hard because daddy wasn't there.
The ones looking for fathers in step fathers who can only see their mother's ex lovers in them.
The beautiful who won't look in the mirror because they only see the ugly.
The ugliest win over sins is finally being comfortable in your skin,
and DAMN IT you're still feeling at a loss...

Resurrect green chlorophyl with passion.
You need to remember the last time love felt real
and hold onto it for ever.

when you're feeling like a happy red
when tomorrow hopes to be a sunny day
and today its been nothing but rain, sweat and tears
cooling you down
face angry and wet coloring you a shiny crimson
because your mood is based on today's negativity

when ever you're feeling blue
when the sky is falling and your-
-eye to eye, face to face, ear to ear with the troposphere
and you can't breathe because the air is thinner now

When lungs and veins dry up.

when bruises on heart have you feeling purple.
When tornado gusts and hurricane blows are holding you back from reaching your potential.

when you feel like your next breath
is going to take more energy out of you than you can pull in,

When life doesn't show you the next set of options
and rock bottom at fifteen makes you believe letting go from the branch to a
yellow suicide is the only way out of this fucked up world,

Hold on, I got you.

I might not be the greatest example.

but I can promise to be there
When love leaves and leaves scars,
and teach you how to fall like leaves when the wind blows in Autumn.

Fall skillfully, beautifully;
fall and Don't make a sound.
Fall and Don't let your demise be earth quaking
fall and Baby don't let the world see you with your knees to the ground.

change colors and fall, like it was meant to be.

I'll rake up the pieces of your heart and put them in a nice pile for you.
I'll be the helping hand.
I'll be your life's savior.

Suck the positive energy out of me, pull in.
Hold on to me for as long as it takes for you to
get back up on your feet and balanced;

and this time, know to be ready for the next blow.

Life, is not a fairy tale.
Happy endings are only temporary.

Magic only exists when you come to terms with reality
and fall in love with the reflection in the mirror
and realize its not easy being human.

We've all got problems.
Stability is only a hopeless dream if you're hopeless.
So dream.

Dream to push the sky out of reach.
Dream to be successful.
Dream to be that bright star in the sky.
Dream to keep your balance in order.

Because its not the fall that will kill you.
its staying down and not wanting ever getting back up.

Hold on to love.
Hold on to for ever.

Let go of yesterday and promise to carry tomorrow out more carefully.
Be prepared for what the next season may bring to you, or take from you.

---

million birds

she blessed the ground I walk on and I haven't fallen since.
-the most positive energy in any situation.
This feels like I'm being carried away by a million birds.

update 7.17.08:

eww.

Greenville

Location: greenville, south carolina

Who: Norris Guest, Filmore, Blaqbaree, I

Purpose: Win and you're in bout. Favor for Wine Up to qualify for Nationals


So we drove up there, got there early and me and Filmore were playing around with the camera.


We won our bout, kudos to the Upstate, SC team. =)

Then we left.

Oh and somewhere in the midst of all the we all got to have a talk with legend, outlaw; Jus Caus. The real world doesn't sound so bad... haha.

forever

Do not judge me before you judge yourself distant memory
My company, whether mentally or physically; is unpredictably forever.
I love you not.
love consented rape to kiss my insecurities dealing with passed forevers.
From time to existence, my hearts clock has stopped ticking.

so forever, knock on my window while I'm sleeping;
whisper in my ear
tell me tomorrow isn't promised, and
tell me that I need to search for you again.
Appear to me in a dream, forever...
show me how many pages I'll rip out of my calender before we come a cross again
show me where to find you.
your company was comforting.
now when I sleep, I'm laying in a bed full of nails
I'm not happy waking up here,
I pluck embedded steel from my skin
every time I'm reminded of what could have been,
I smile away our poetry
like silly me, I send similes to the badlands of my mind.
The same place every past forever lingers
and like assembly lines,
attach forever to the end of all my thoughts
I want to damage my internal machinery
so that my thoughts come out broken but satisfyingly sane,
perfect and untainted by you.
I'm scared.

Because forever, you never stuck around long enough to become one with my sheets.
the smell of fresh poetry in the morning never sunk deep into the cotton woven,
Under covers and warmed by my art, but with the same sheets I'm covered and cold in my history
and the past has passed and faded away
forcing fetus memories into words telling you my insecurities.
I told you this would happen forever.
people could be different but if the situation doesn't change,
the outcome is stalemate; checkmate; sourmate; don't-speak-to-me-ex-soul-mate
forever,
I told you this would happen.

Follow me into your dreams
so that you can lead us both into existence
and there, you can hold me like a guitar
you can place your hands around me
put your head in between the corner of my neck and my body
your hands on my stomach, tickling my strings
making me sing forever is painful
from my neck, down to my toes, tickle pluck, wrong note
forever is painful
I need you... to painfully tune my love into keys of forever
so that you don't become a distant memory...

and after my rant,
I wake up sweaty... and I'm all alone again

parking tickets...

so I have been collecting parking tickets while parking illegally on campus in front of my apartment style housing. I know I need a sticker... but its really not on my priorities list with all of the things going on as far as money drains are concerned... mind me, I'm a little tipsy; this might be a tad graphic or hard to process.


Update 11:00am : After a text from Tavis telling me not to get myself into any more trouble and to take that set up down unless I want a boot on my car, I took it down. About 5 hours later I wake up to a knock on my door from Sean telling me that my car is getting towed... What in the f***? Outstanding tickets... So I paid them $70 to bring my car down. Now I owe over $200 dollars in parking tickets and it costs $175 to get a parking pass so I'm pretty much f***ed. Then within the next thirty minutes someone called me to do a photo shoot for free tomorrow... ... ...

pink eye

ew. I want to go out and do something... but I feel horrible.

I would take a picture of my eye and throat; but that would be way too graphic for you all. Instead I decided I would leave you with some pictures I developed last night.




and these right here are from my Holga...

mike tyson will eat your babies

thanks mitch

ha ha ha

so its been a while...

I started school, moved in on campus. I lost my job, I start another one tomorrow. My car failed once again, I'm in the process of getting it fixed. I'm broke. The V-Day performances went really well. I got into the second round at SlamCharlotte, big deal, at least to me at this point. I'm writing about little but I'm singing obnoxiously, you would probably think it sounds good.

I'm very sad to have to leave my kids and co-workers at the YWCA. Thats all that I need to say about that...

So I was watching BETJ at the Art House, YES they got cable now, and this video came on... Ayo - Down on my Knees - - I really like this girl... I just got her album, so I'll have an update on how I feel about her after listening to the cd.

grandad

I still don't know an official time yet.

Rest In Peace, Martin Sosa Lobo. mentor, husband, father, grandfather, great grandfather, great-great grandfather.

I was at my house arguing with my Dad about how they should deal with the ongoing situation my grandfather was in. He's sick, only has a few days to live... So I told him he should fly him out here and try to get him some real help... American doctors vs. Central American doctors... We had let the situation die down and I left to the movies with Nigel. About 10 minutes into the movie my dad called me and told me he passed away and that I need to come home. It took about 10 minutes to get a refund and to get out of there. Somewhere in between the movie theater and Nigel's house I got sick... I started driving way too fast, in rain where I can't see too much in front of me. Too fast. I dropped off Nigel and proceeded to drive towards home. Then Dad calls me and tells me that the family is meeting at my Aunt Elena's house. I pop the u-turn and proceed towards her house.

When I got there I realized my dad still wasn't there, so I had first shot at my Aunt in consolation; I definitely wasn't ready for that. When my dad got there, he had brought my Uncle with him and then they all started mourning in the living room, which wasn't totally unexpected. I went to the kitchen where my cousin's new born baby was being fed, so naturally I helped out with that situation, you know I love the babies. One thing led to another, and then a friend of the family busted out laughing at something he had said and my dad went outside and called my mom. He told her I was there wasting space and being disrespectful, he thought I was laughing... I went outside and he cussed me out for it and told me to go home. Then my Mom called my phone and I screened the call as I walked towards my car... This is a climax people... THIS IS A CLIMAX.

I began driving home and it was still raining quite heavily. I was a little upset with my dad for telling me to go home, but I figured it was all good, considering the situation. My thoughts furthered into what my mom could have possibly said to me, of course you already know that I'm running scenarios while driving; its the logical thing to do, besides keeping my eyes on the road. I looked down at the speedometer as I felt I was going too fast and when I looked up, a squirrel or a possum was getting ready to cross. I weighed my options quickly and figured one death is enough for one night, so I swerved and missed the animal by a hair; so close that I could hear the shriek it made. This is where things went wrong. I should have killed the animal, considering this animal could have cost me my life. The car over steered as soon as I realized the animal was safe. Then I began hydroplaning; not good. I tried to counter steer. [Note to self: Do not counter steer in the rain.] Then after a series of jerks and pulls across a stretch my car finally decides it wants to spin out and land in a ditch on the other side of the road. When my stomach decided it wanted to return into my body I saw something that completely amazed me. Not a single car on the road the whole time this is happening. I wouldn't be writing this blog entry, had there been another car on the road. So I regained control of my vehicle and after a few short attempts to drive myself out of the ditch, I'm successful. I went home.

The whole way home I wanted to:
scream,
yell,
cry.
I did none of the above.

I got home and explained to my mom what happened at my aunt's house. She understood, and the next chapter in stress of my night began... Searching for flights. I began looking for flights, with no idea when my Dad and my uncle and aunts wanted to leave. Prices were scary. VERY scary. I portrayed the prices over to my dad as best as I could and he had the same reaction. Then he called me back with some dates to play with... As I'm looking around my Mom decides we need to go be with my Dad. She told me that they had all left my Aunt Elena's house and went to my Aunt Emilia's house. So after a quick discussion I decided it was my duty as a son to be there for him tonight. I sure as hell wasn't driving anywhere in my car tonight, I gladly let my mom take her big ol' SUV to my Aunt's house.

Upon arrival, I see that my Dad's car door is half open so I went and closed it. When I looked up, I realized how many cars were parked around the house. My mom was already inside. Can't turn back now. As I walk in the door, my theory I formulated from the car to the door was proven correct. They were having a church/group prayer in the doorway and living room. Some people pray, some people come close to totaling cars; what I meant by that goes without saying. I realize my cousin knows some people that work at the airports and is on the phone trying to lock down some rates, I finally had a moment to relax. My mind was a million different places, thinking about the different things that had happened throughout the week and last night, trying to be as positive as possible; mentally. I have yet to really break down and cry. I don't think I am going to, at least not until my dad leaves. When they finally came to a good price and a good plan on airfare I decided it was my responsibility to come home and pack Dad's stuff, since he needed to be ready in 3 hours. I left in his safe, four door Toyota Camry. What a lovely ride home, all four wheels on the pavement 100% of the trip.

I began writing this blog at this point in the night. I was rudely interrupted by a phone call letting me know that the flight they thought they had locked down fell through. Back at my search. High stress, everyone can't handle uncertainty. I was their hope for cheap rates. I did my part, but then explained I can't do anything from the house. They didn't ask me to come back to my Aunt's and do it for them, but I did end up explaining and demonstrating over the phone on how to use my favorite airfare search engine, kayak.com. Now I have no idea what the current situation is, but I know they all want to leave as soon as possible. I still haven't packed my Dad's stuff. I don't think I'm going to end up doing it...

and to think I started off my day by making a trip up to Cornelius, after borrowing some money from my Mom, to get some fenders for my car. When I came back to Charlotte, I called up Nigel because he's in town from Washington, D.C.; and we decided to hang out. On the way to go pick him up I saw an old friend from school waiting at the bus stop. Despite the fact that he's an "exceptional student", I felt as if it was only right for me to take him to wherever he was going. So I stopped and did so. Then I went onto Nigel's house. When I came back to the house with Nigel me and my dad discussed options for my Grandfather's health care, a very easy going conversation... very ordinary, nothing pressed. Then I told him I'm going to the movies and that I'll be coming home relatively late. Things went downhill from the moment I got that call tonight...

What if I had turned my phone off in the theater like I was supposed to? I have yet to be much help tonight besides searching for tickets, but I would have been home in time for that... Would I be as stressed out? Did the guy in the movie get the girl? Or did they both get killed at the end?

Whatever... I'll scream in the morning, too tired for it at this time . For now its going to be me and Lupe Fiasco - The Cool, until my parents get home. Then I'm up for some much needed sleep.

take a trip down.. you know the rest

every time the clouds shift in and out from in front of the sun i sense you smiling
every time it rains I know that tears are coming from your eyes
just like way back when, then,
those days where the blacktop melted our sneakers to the streets
cocaine and marijuana trafficking flooded our mentality
we were way past under age taking risks for other people
what we thought were big bucks was small change
we never did get rich
what we did get was rough edges in our personalities
you were always too angry,
and I always too careful
now you're in for life for not being able to control your anger
and me... I'm lonely, for not knowing how not to be too careful

i told myself...

I told myself I wouldn't write about loneliness on Christmas eve & Christmas day. I lied to myself. Family is a beautiful thing, until they leave you alone at the house. I drove around and saw a ghost town that generally would go by the name of Charlotte... cold and population zero. Feeling like Will Smith in I am Legend. Yuck.

DOLCE & GABBANA

moons move you like a metaphor
fall into my sands
I can still smell your rain

F*** YOU!

40D

so I went out and purchased a Canon 40D. Lots of money, but totally worth it.