and again I let myself down.

I let myself get the best of me. Creating illusions that everything will work out for the better. I thought it would be different. I knew it wouldn't be. I knew what I was getting myself into, but emotions always run high in this game so I got caught up and convinced myself to contradict myself. Now my self esteem takes a toll, all because I chose not to trust my instincts. People can be different but if the situation is the same as in the past, the reaction can be predicted... Or can it? Maybe I just caught myself playing the game with the same person, myself.

I might be a little stressed out, but I won't let it bring me any further down.

The fortune cookie in my drawer finally came in handy, how pitiful. Whats even more sad is I got a blank little paper with lucky numbers on it.

"current" by Austin 'TEE DOTT' Monroe

lies.
pathetic.
full.
empty.
tired.
damn.
fake.
it's interesting to see how we allow people to enter our lives. every exchange, every touch, every interaction, every kiss, every leaving and returning, affects us to some extent. the list that precedes this are things that live in all of us. we fill ourselves with uncertainty. they throw, we catch. we trick ourselves in and out of happiness, consciousness. these are things i see in me. these are things i see in you. and so does everyone else. we've all been predators at one point or another. we've all been prey at one point or another. and we've all been fools. so i stand not in judgment. i just observe. we must start respecting ourselves. we pattern ourselves after fantasy models of people, perfection, completion, happiness, and love. our persons become second to our visions of what a complete self should be. we allow ourselves to be degraded. becoming objects instead of beings. we all need to wake up, myself included, i suppose.

[It reflected my feelings for the day. Well done Mista Monroe]

selfish much?

I've been writing poems and
trying not to remember them
when I'm mad at you.
This poem is hard to write,
the same way you're hard to get
and Difficult to comprehend.
I don't know why you think its as easy
as the flick of a switch
to turn off emotions.
If you don't understand what I just said,
reach for a computer,
load too many programs at one time
and then try to shut it down.
Its not gonna happen, its going to give you the option
to END NOW
but its going to take its time.
I hate for you to pull the plug on me or
push my buttons down until I have no choice but to shut down
even if I'm not ready.
You're so selfish

movement and relocation

I am in the midst of moving out of the house on my own, and making my first real step towards becoming an adult and having the responsibilities of bills. I have come to realize how much of a burden I am becoming on my parents by living there. Mainly I've been horrible about coming home at a decent time, but it comes with the art I've chosen to chase. When I'm at the house with my parents I'm always ready to leave and go somewhere else, something about the house makes me not want to be there almost all the time. I can't have that mind state when the Spring semester swings its way around to hit me with a freshman year of college. As these are all great reasons to move on campus, I don't want the distractions of college blowing up in my face. I've spent some time on campus and I was feeling like the atmosphere would be more distracting than productive. I found a room available with some other artists I've come to know and have a lot of love for, so I'll be renting that room out for a while. Breaking it to my parents will be the hard part. They will probably have a feeling that I'm getting away from them. I'm really just doing them a favor and doing this to better myself as an artist and human being. Another thing I'm worried about is what some family members will be saying about this action. I'm only eighteen years old and to some people its going to look like I'm running away from something, or that I got into it with my parents. I think this will make me appreciate time spent with my mom and dad on the weekends. I want to move out now, but its probably going to be more like next week some time. I am very positive about this.

In other news, I have again proven to myself, through trial and error, that letting my guard down shall lead towards heart ache and frustration. Let this message sink and save yourself the sorrow by not making decisions with a blindfold on.

Oh and I realized I never posted this picture. Very dope shot I caught of Austin...



update: I didn't go anywhere. Stuff came up. don't want to talk about it.

outdoor events

today's temperature was perfect. the sun was shining really hard and the air was cool. jam session with boogie, q and bluz. Oh and the girl from the other band too. =)

today's temperature was perfect. the sun was shining really hard and the air was cool.

i want to

i want to hug you like the sky hugs the earth and ground you walk on

i want to kiss your bare naked feet like your tiled room does when only you are there

i want to touch you like you've never been touched before,
and if for some reason you have;

i want to heal those scars from it

and

i want to cut you wide open again

i want to lick the blood seeping from the wounds

trying...

It seems like when you try too hard,
you fall and getting back up
feels like there are bricks weighing you further down;
almost digging a hole in the dirt