grandad

I still don't know an official time yet.

Rest In Peace, Martin Sosa Lobo. mentor, husband, father, grandfather, great grandfather, great-great grandfather.

I was at my house arguing with my Dad about how they should deal with the ongoing situation my grandfather was in. He's sick, only has a few days to live... So I told him he should fly him out here and try to get him some real help... American doctors vs. Central American doctors... We had let the situation die down and I left to the movies with Nigel. About 10 minutes into the movie my dad called me and told me he passed away and that I need to come home. It took about 10 minutes to get a refund and to get out of there. Somewhere in between the movie theater and Nigel's house I got sick... I started driving way too fast, in rain where I can't see too much in front of me. Too fast. I dropped off Nigel and proceeded to drive towards home. Then Dad calls me and tells me that the family is meeting at my Aunt Elena's house. I pop the u-turn and proceed towards her house.

When I got there I realized my dad still wasn't there, so I had first shot at my Aunt in consolation; I definitely wasn't ready for that. When my dad got there, he had brought my Uncle with him and then they all started mourning in the living room, which wasn't totally unexpected. I went to the kitchen where my cousin's new born baby was being fed, so naturally I helped out with that situation, you know I love the babies. One thing led to another, and then a friend of the family busted out laughing at something he had said and my dad went outside and called my mom. He told her I was there wasting space and being disrespectful, he thought I was laughing... I went outside and he cussed me out for it and told me to go home. Then my Mom called my phone and I screened the call as I walked towards my car... This is a climax people... THIS IS A CLIMAX.

I began driving home and it was still raining quite heavily. I was a little upset with my dad for telling me to go home, but I figured it was all good, considering the situation. My thoughts furthered into what my mom could have possibly said to me, of course you already know that I'm running scenarios while driving; its the logical thing to do, besides keeping my eyes on the road. I looked down at the speedometer as I felt I was going too fast and when I looked up, a squirrel or a possum was getting ready to cross. I weighed my options quickly and figured one death is enough for one night, so I swerved and missed the animal by a hair; so close that I could hear the shriek it made. This is where things went wrong. I should have killed the animal, considering this animal could have cost me my life. The car over steered as soon as I realized the animal was safe. Then I began hydroplaning; not good. I tried to counter steer. [Note to self: Do not counter steer in the rain.] Then after a series of jerks and pulls across a stretch my car finally decides it wants to spin out and land in a ditch on the other side of the road. When my stomach decided it wanted to return into my body I saw something that completely amazed me. Not a single car on the road the whole time this is happening. I wouldn't be writing this blog entry, had there been another car on the road. So I regained control of my vehicle and after a few short attempts to drive myself out of the ditch, I'm successful. I went home.

The whole way home I wanted to:
scream,
yell,
cry.
I did none of the above.

I got home and explained to my mom what happened at my aunt's house. She understood, and the next chapter in stress of my night began... Searching for flights. I began looking for flights, with no idea when my Dad and my uncle and aunts wanted to leave. Prices were scary. VERY scary. I portrayed the prices over to my dad as best as I could and he had the same reaction. Then he called me back with some dates to play with... As I'm looking around my Mom decides we need to go be with my Dad. She told me that they had all left my Aunt Elena's house and went to my Aunt Emilia's house. So after a quick discussion I decided it was my duty as a son to be there for him tonight. I sure as hell wasn't driving anywhere in my car tonight, I gladly let my mom take her big ol' SUV to my Aunt's house.

Upon arrival, I see that my Dad's car door is half open so I went and closed it. When I looked up, I realized how many cars were parked around the house. My mom was already inside. Can't turn back now. As I walk in the door, my theory I formulated from the car to the door was proven correct. They were having a church/group prayer in the doorway and living room. Some people pray, some people come close to totaling cars; what I meant by that goes without saying. I realize my cousin knows some people that work at the airports and is on the phone trying to lock down some rates, I finally had a moment to relax. My mind was a million different places, thinking about the different things that had happened throughout the week and last night, trying to be as positive as possible; mentally. I have yet to really break down and cry. I don't think I am going to, at least not until my dad leaves. When they finally came to a good price and a good plan on airfare I decided it was my responsibility to come home and pack Dad's stuff, since he needed to be ready in 3 hours. I left in his safe, four door Toyota Camry. What a lovely ride home, all four wheels on the pavement 100% of the trip.

I began writing this blog at this point in the night. I was rudely interrupted by a phone call letting me know that the flight they thought they had locked down fell through. Back at my search. High stress, everyone can't handle uncertainty. I was their hope for cheap rates. I did my part, but then explained I can't do anything from the house. They didn't ask me to come back to my Aunt's and do it for them, but I did end up explaining and demonstrating over the phone on how to use my favorite airfare search engine, kayak.com. Now I have no idea what the current situation is, but I know they all want to leave as soon as possible. I still haven't packed my Dad's stuff. I don't think I'm going to end up doing it...

and to think I started off my day by making a trip up to Cornelius, after borrowing some money from my Mom, to get some fenders for my car. When I came back to Charlotte, I called up Nigel because he's in town from Washington, D.C.; and we decided to hang out. On the way to go pick him up I saw an old friend from school waiting at the bus stop. Despite the fact that he's an "exceptional student", I felt as if it was only right for me to take him to wherever he was going. So I stopped and did so. Then I went onto Nigel's house. When I came back to the house with Nigel me and my dad discussed options for my Grandfather's health care, a very easy going conversation... very ordinary, nothing pressed. Then I told him I'm going to the movies and that I'll be coming home relatively late. Things went downhill from the moment I got that call tonight...

What if I had turned my phone off in the theater like I was supposed to? I have yet to be much help tonight besides searching for tickets, but I would have been home in time for that... Would I be as stressed out? Did the guy in the movie get the girl? Or did they both get killed at the end?

Whatever... I'll scream in the morning, too tired for it at this time . For now its going to be me and Lupe Fiasco - The Cool, until my parents get home. Then I'm up for some much needed sleep.

take a trip down.. you know the rest

every time the clouds shift in and out from in front of the sun i sense you smiling
every time it rains I know that tears are coming from your eyes
just like way back when, then,
those days where the blacktop melted our sneakers to the streets
cocaine and marijuana trafficking flooded our mentality
we were way past under age taking risks for other people
what we thought were big bucks was small change
we never did get rich
what we did get was rough edges in our personalities
you were always too angry,
and I always too careful
now you're in for life for not being able to control your anger
and me... I'm lonely, for not knowing how not to be too careful

i told myself...

I told myself I wouldn't write about loneliness on Christmas eve & Christmas day. I lied to myself. Family is a beautiful thing, until they leave you alone at the house. I drove around and saw a ghost town that generally would go by the name of Charlotte... cold and population zero. Feeling like Will Smith in I am Legend. Yuck.

DOLCE & GABBANA

moons move you like a metaphor
fall into my sands
I can still smell your rain

F*** YOU!

40D

so I went out and purchased a Canon 40D. Lots of money, but totally worth it.

relocation

ah, yes. here is the update. I decided to not move into the art house for one reason, my father. My grandfather got really sick and pops needed me sticking around, so I did. Now I am ready to move out, but another option became available. I looked at how much it costs to live on campus and shooooot, its a lot cheaper than a room anywhere in NoDa. So yeah... Hunt Village, '08 come holla at me!

22 more days until I move in.

sweeet.

doing the best that I can...

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

If Jenny could do it, so can I.

and again I let myself down.

I let myself get the best of me. Creating illusions that everything will work out for the better. I thought it would be different. I knew it wouldn't be. I knew what I was getting myself into, but emotions always run high in this game so I got caught up and convinced myself to contradict myself. Now my self esteem takes a toll, all because I chose not to trust my instincts. People can be different but if the situation is the same as in the past, the reaction can be predicted... Or can it? Maybe I just caught myself playing the game with the same person, myself.

I might be a little stressed out, but I won't let it bring me any further down.

The fortune cookie in my drawer finally came in handy, how pitiful. Whats even more sad is I got a blank little paper with lucky numbers on it.