grandad

I still don't know an official time yet.

Rest In Peace, Martin Sosa Lobo. mentor, husband, father, grandfather, great grandfather, great-great grandfather.

I was at my house arguing with my Dad about how they should deal with the ongoing situation my grandfather was in. He's sick, only has a few days to live... So I told him he should fly him out here and try to get him some real help... American doctors vs. Central American doctors... We had let the situation die down and I left to the movies with Nigel. About 10 minutes into the movie my dad called me and told me he passed away and that I need to come home. It took about 10 minutes to get a refund and to get out of there. Somewhere in between the movie theater and Nigel's house I got sick... I started driving way too fast, in rain where I can't see too much in front of me. Too fast. I dropped off Nigel and proceeded to drive towards home. Then Dad calls me and tells me that the family is meeting at my Aunt Elena's house. I pop the u-turn and proceed towards her house.

When I got there I realized my dad still wasn't there, so I had first shot at my Aunt in consolation; I definitely wasn't ready for that. When my dad got there, he had brought my Uncle with him and then they all started mourning in the living room, which wasn't totally unexpected. I went to the kitchen where my cousin's new born baby was being fed, so naturally I helped out with that situation, you know I love the babies. One thing led to another, and then a friend of the family busted out laughing at something he had said and my dad went outside and called my mom. He told her I was there wasting space and being disrespectful, he thought I was laughing... I went outside and he cussed me out for it and told me to go home. Then my Mom called my phone and I screened the call as I walked towards my car... This is a climax people... THIS IS A CLIMAX.

I began driving home and it was still raining quite heavily. I was a little upset with my dad for telling me to go home, but I figured it was all good, considering the situation. My thoughts furthered into what my mom could have possibly said to me, of course you already know that I'm running scenarios while driving; its the logical thing to do, besides keeping my eyes on the road. I looked down at the speedometer as I felt I was going too fast and when I looked up, a squirrel or a possum was getting ready to cross. I weighed my options quickly and figured one death is enough for one night, so I swerved and missed the animal by a hair; so close that I could hear the shriek it made. This is where things went wrong. I should have killed the animal, considering this animal could have cost me my life. The car over steered as soon as I realized the animal was safe. Then I began hydroplaning; not good. I tried to counter steer. [Note to self: Do not counter steer in the rain.] Then after a series of jerks and pulls across a stretch my car finally decides it wants to spin out and land in a ditch on the other side of the road. When my stomach decided it wanted to return into my body I saw something that completely amazed me. Not a single car on the road the whole time this is happening. I wouldn't be writing this blog entry, had there been another car on the road. So I regained control of my vehicle and after a few short attempts to drive myself out of the ditch, I'm successful. I went home.

The whole way home I wanted to:
scream,
yell,
cry.
I did none of the above.

I got home and explained to my mom what happened at my aunt's house. She understood, and the next chapter in stress of my night began... Searching for flights. I began looking for flights, with no idea when my Dad and my uncle and aunts wanted to leave. Prices were scary. VERY scary. I portrayed the prices over to my dad as best as I could and he had the same reaction. Then he called me back with some dates to play with... As I'm looking around my Mom decides we need to go be with my Dad. She told me that they had all left my Aunt Elena's house and went to my Aunt Emilia's house. So after a quick discussion I decided it was my duty as a son to be there for him tonight. I sure as hell wasn't driving anywhere in my car tonight, I gladly let my mom take her big ol' SUV to my Aunt's house.

Upon arrival, I see that my Dad's car door is half open so I went and closed it. When I looked up, I realized how many cars were parked around the house. My mom was already inside. Can't turn back now. As I walk in the door, my theory I formulated from the car to the door was proven correct. They were having a church/group prayer in the doorway and living room. Some people pray, some people come close to totaling cars; what I meant by that goes without saying. I realize my cousin knows some people that work at the airports and is on the phone trying to lock down some rates, I finally had a moment to relax. My mind was a million different places, thinking about the different things that had happened throughout the week and last night, trying to be as positive as possible; mentally. I have yet to really break down and cry. I don't think I am going to, at least not until my dad leaves. When they finally came to a good price and a good plan on airfare I decided it was my responsibility to come home and pack Dad's stuff, since he needed to be ready in 3 hours. I left in his safe, four door Toyota Camry. What a lovely ride home, all four wheels on the pavement 100% of the trip.

I began writing this blog at this point in the night. I was rudely interrupted by a phone call letting me know that the flight they thought they had locked down fell through. Back at my search. High stress, everyone can't handle uncertainty. I was their hope for cheap rates. I did my part, but then explained I can't do anything from the house. They didn't ask me to come back to my Aunt's and do it for them, but I did end up explaining and demonstrating over the phone on how to use my favorite airfare search engine, kayak.com. Now I have no idea what the current situation is, but I know they all want to leave as soon as possible. I still haven't packed my Dad's stuff. I don't think I'm going to end up doing it...

and to think I started off my day by making a trip up to Cornelius, after borrowing some money from my Mom, to get some fenders for my car. When I came back to Charlotte, I called up Nigel because he's in town from Washington, D.C.; and we decided to hang out. On the way to go pick him up I saw an old friend from school waiting at the bus stop. Despite the fact that he's an "exceptional student", I felt as if it was only right for me to take him to wherever he was going. So I stopped and did so. Then I went onto Nigel's house. When I came back to the house with Nigel me and my dad discussed options for my Grandfather's health care, a very easy going conversation... very ordinary, nothing pressed. Then I told him I'm going to the movies and that I'll be coming home relatively late. Things went downhill from the moment I got that call tonight...

What if I had turned my phone off in the theater like I was supposed to? I have yet to be much help tonight besides searching for tickets, but I would have been home in time for that... Would I be as stressed out? Did the guy in the movie get the girl? Or did they both get killed at the end?

Whatever... I'll scream in the morning, too tired for it at this time . For now its going to be me and Lupe Fiasco - The Cool, until my parents get home. Then I'm up for some much needed sleep.

take a trip down.. you know the rest

every time the clouds shift in and out from in front of the sun i sense you smiling
every time it rains I know that tears are coming from your eyes
just like way back when, then,
those days where the blacktop melted our sneakers to the streets
cocaine and marijuana trafficking flooded our mentality
we were way past under age taking risks for other people
what we thought were big bucks was small change
we never did get rich
what we did get was rough edges in our personalities
you were always too angry,
and I always too careful
now you're in for life for not being able to control your anger
and me... I'm lonely, for not knowing how not to be too careful

i told myself...

I told myself I wouldn't write about loneliness on Christmas eve & Christmas day. I lied to myself. Family is a beautiful thing, until they leave you alone at the house. I drove around and saw a ghost town that generally would go by the name of Charlotte... cold and population zero. Feeling like Will Smith in I am Legend. Yuck.

DOLCE & GABBANA

moons move you like a metaphor
fall into my sands
I can still smell your rain

F*** YOU!

40D

so I went out and purchased a Canon 40D. Lots of money, but totally worth it.

relocation

ah, yes. here is the update. I decided to not move into the art house for one reason, my father. My grandfather got really sick and pops needed me sticking around, so I did. Now I am ready to move out, but another option became available. I looked at how much it costs to live on campus and shooooot, its a lot cheaper than a room anywhere in NoDa. So yeah... Hunt Village, '08 come holla at me!

22 more days until I move in.

sweeet.

doing the best that I can...

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

dear god
make me a bird
so i can fly far, far away.

If Jenny could do it, so can I.

and again I let myself down.

I let myself get the best of me. Creating illusions that everything will work out for the better. I thought it would be different. I knew it wouldn't be. I knew what I was getting myself into, but emotions always run high in this game so I got caught up and convinced myself to contradict myself. Now my self esteem takes a toll, all because I chose not to trust my instincts. People can be different but if the situation is the same as in the past, the reaction can be predicted... Or can it? Maybe I just caught myself playing the game with the same person, myself.

I might be a little stressed out, but I won't let it bring me any further down.

The fortune cookie in my drawer finally came in handy, how pitiful. Whats even more sad is I got a blank little paper with lucky numbers on it.

"current" by Austin 'TEE DOTT' Monroe

lies.
pathetic.
full.
empty.
tired.
damn.
fake.
it's interesting to see how we allow people to enter our lives. every exchange, every touch, every interaction, every kiss, every leaving and returning, affects us to some extent. the list that precedes this are things that live in all of us. we fill ourselves with uncertainty. they throw, we catch. we trick ourselves in and out of happiness, consciousness. these are things i see in me. these are things i see in you. and so does everyone else. we've all been predators at one point or another. we've all been prey at one point or another. and we've all been fools. so i stand not in judgment. i just observe. we must start respecting ourselves. we pattern ourselves after fantasy models of people, perfection, completion, happiness, and love. our persons become second to our visions of what a complete self should be. we allow ourselves to be degraded. becoming objects instead of beings. we all need to wake up, myself included, i suppose.

[It reflected my feelings for the day. Well done Mista Monroe]

selfish much?

I've been writing poems and
trying not to remember them
when I'm mad at you.
This poem is hard to write,
the same way you're hard to get
and Difficult to comprehend.
I don't know why you think its as easy
as the flick of a switch
to turn off emotions.
If you don't understand what I just said,
reach for a computer,
load too many programs at one time
and then try to shut it down.
Its not gonna happen, its going to give you the option
to END NOW
but its going to take its time.
I hate for you to pull the plug on me or
push my buttons down until I have no choice but to shut down
even if I'm not ready.
You're so selfish

movement and relocation

I am in the midst of moving out of the house on my own, and making my first real step towards becoming an adult and having the responsibilities of bills. I have come to realize how much of a burden I am becoming on my parents by living there. Mainly I've been horrible about coming home at a decent time, but it comes with the art I've chosen to chase. When I'm at the house with my parents I'm always ready to leave and go somewhere else, something about the house makes me not want to be there almost all the time. I can't have that mind state when the Spring semester swings its way around to hit me with a freshman year of college. As these are all great reasons to move on campus, I don't want the distractions of college blowing up in my face. I've spent some time on campus and I was feeling like the atmosphere would be more distracting than productive. I found a room available with some other artists I've come to know and have a lot of love for, so I'll be renting that room out for a while. Breaking it to my parents will be the hard part. They will probably have a feeling that I'm getting away from them. I'm really just doing them a favor and doing this to better myself as an artist and human being. Another thing I'm worried about is what some family members will be saying about this action. I'm only eighteen years old and to some people its going to look like I'm running away from something, or that I got into it with my parents. I think this will make me appreciate time spent with my mom and dad on the weekends. I want to move out now, but its probably going to be more like next week some time. I am very positive about this.

In other news, I have again proven to myself, through trial and error, that letting my guard down shall lead towards heart ache and frustration. Let this message sink and save yourself the sorrow by not making decisions with a blindfold on.

Oh and I realized I never posted this picture. Very dope shot I caught of Austin...



update: I didn't go anywhere. Stuff came up. don't want to talk about it.

outdoor events

today's temperature was perfect. the sun was shining really hard and the air was cool. jam session with boogie, q and bluz. Oh and the girl from the other band too. =)

today's temperature was perfect. the sun was shining really hard and the air was cool.

i want to

i want to hug you like the sky hugs the earth and ground you walk on

i want to kiss your bare naked feet like your tiled room does when only you are there

i want to touch you like you've never been touched before,
and if for some reason you have;

i want to heal those scars from it

and

i want to cut you wide open again

i want to lick the blood seeping from the wounds

trying...

It seems like when you try too hard,
you fall and getting back up
feels like there are bricks weighing you further down;
almost digging a hole in the dirt

reminder

when i'm alone
i drive 80 miles per hour in a 35
maximum road just to appreciate being alive

broken butterflies

I watched this broken butterfly try to fly
Wings slipping on butter paved high ways
Every time she try to would get high enough to reach skies she's never seen
She fell and became that broken butterfly again...

I let her leap up into my hands
As we face each other I saw bloodshot, tear-filled eyes that still remembered
Getting fucked over each and every time 'this is the one' left her lips
Those past lovers that never really, loved but could fuck her love starved mouth - shut
She wanted to be loved by reality so the reality was
She hasn't found mister right yet
They took advantage of her
Each man that passed was good, but not good enough, the good ones always passed, by*
Her mister rights always went left; missing after the game is over...
Mistakes leave before today becomes forever
Looking for a permanent male partner seems difficult
Let me edit your search strings... you're looking for the right words,
You’re just going about it the wrong way

So I said happiness is just around the corner.
Confident that this stumble will not result in paralysis
I prescribed a road trip to the other side of the street every four hours
Don’t exceed more than 6 doses per day, leaving is a process
I was letting her in steady and slow like an asprin regimine
She looked up at me hopeless [make a right at the light, I said]
Still hurt, still confused. [2 blocks down, keep moving]
Nothing really changed after the twists and turns
So I finally said take Interstate Eighty One South
I felt as if the arteries leading into her heart were restricted
By zip ties stretched as tight as possible
Leaving her with enough blood pumping to stay alive
she cried
I told her the scissors are in my hand but I can't cut the ties
If you won't let me get inside
I can love you like forever was yesterday
And today is eternity

I want to wrap words around your waist
Reel you in so I can write my lips onto yours
Kiss you until our taste buds merge together
And I can taste what you're eating from another room

I want to...
hug you like the sky hugs the earth and ground you walk on
kiss your bare naked feet like your dorm room floor does when your roommate is gone
touch you like you've never been touched before
and if for some reason you have
I want to heal those scars from it
and cut you wide open again
lick the blood seeping from the wounds
I want to be your miserable mornings,
your good afternoons,
unpleasant evenings and
your last call for jesus at the end of the night.

I want to put you in the slot for today's main reason for breathing
And tomorrow's favorite idea of the year
I want to fly freely in your stomach
Come out of your mouth as your own words
That levitates us both into the smiling skies
Of constipated constellations of condensed stars almost as bright
As the grin on your face I want to permanently inspire
I want to be your revolution
I want to be at the part of the palm of your fist that pens poems
Pen clenched tight - CLICK
I want to be ink splattered unevenly on paper
taking shape of a poem
And then I want you to read me at an open mic
make the girl in the front row have an orgasm
and the guy in the back row hold onto his girlfriend for another week...

I’ll meet you on I-81 S
Happiness is off of exit: me never

I can't promise to be perfect
but I can promise to try

3am sunday night.

its getting pretty late... i want to watch house on the internet. how stubborn. i have to check if i have anything to do tomorrow before waking up... probably do and will forget.

videos loading erk my nerves. and i forgot to e-mail my supervisor. nice.

i don't know how i'm going to do these late nights once school kicks in. school then right after is my part time... and then come home after a 12 hour day most likely to do homework and write. fit the poetry in between all this somehow... photography is all going to be done in class... how nice considering there won't be any time to take pictures anywhere else in the day time. unless i make arrangements for lunch... no food, more pictures. who knows. finally added myself to roommates dot com... we'll see how that goes as well. removing myself from the insurance tomorrow so my bill won't be crazy high for my parents and me... we'll see how that works out. shouldn't be a problem unless i get into an accident. then i'm back on the plan for good... and paying high again. looking into health insurance at work on tuesday... i still need to figure out how to make my printer work with wireless... argh

rant to be continued, i'm hungry.

the brain of a seven year old

spark his interest and you'll be able to render out to him how to view the world. his young mind unaltered innocent. one day society will bring you down and you'll be drawn into different boxes keeping you locked in the way life is now. change won't come until we break out. read; educate yourself. the revolution will come in literature and art.

phone call

I wake up, during my nap and he says "my nigga... I'm hungry spot me five? I'm up the street". I haven't heard from him in weeks. He was at some house with some females. He asked me for the cash and barely got in my car so I told him I'd take him to IHOP. The girls come over to the car to see if I would really take him, as if they weren't convinced so I told them off. After a "pussy over food argument", so he calls it, he agrees to come. We had dinner, he started telling me about all the problems; the shit we go through growing up; and I'm all for listening. Then we head back to our hood and he wants to go spark up with some dude so I'm cool with it. His boy asked for five on the weed and got upset when he didn't have it. They sparked anyway and cooled out for a little while. I was watching this kid do shit I used to do. Park in front of random houses and smoke; how New York... So we go back to our hood and park in the dark and watch the moon go down while we talk about problems, giving him advice and bringing him into a good place, he was feeling pretty bad. He gets a call from some girl up the street that wants to meet me for what ever reason, so we go there. She comes outside and I'm like what's good, and she's all like "I know this nigga". I have never seen her before in my life, but oh well. He says a few things to her and then she's said something to me, I don't remember, and I said "nah homie". She turns it into an argument with "homie nothing", so I'm like fuck it, I'm wasting time here. I peeled off with a bye as I raised the window, and took my boy home. I come home and sit and think I should have put my phone on silent, I wouldn't have to deal with smokers and young girls with attitudes... At least he got some advice tonight. Plus I didn't pay for his smoking habit... Thats what counts.

happiness is just around the corner

i said happiness is just around the corner.
confident that this stumble will not result in permanent paralysis
i, doctor lovo, prescribed a road trip to the other side of the street.
she looked up at me hopeless, still hurt, still confused.
nothings really changed.
i watched her as the arteries leading into her heart were tied
with zip ties stretched as hard as possible
leaving her with enough blood pumping to stay alive
she cried
i told her the scissors are in my hand but i can't cut the ties
if you won't let me get inside
i can love you like forever was yesterday

children

child: /tʃaɪld/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[chahyld] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation –noun, plural chil·dren.

1.	a person between birth and full growth; a boy or girl:

Children, they're beautiful. Innocence can be defined through words spoken by the smallest version of ourselves. I've spent two days with my new after school center and I can already see the kids growing to love me.

I won't say any names for privacy's sake but when I refer to any of the kids specifically, I'll use letters. For example, child A was riding a bicycle and child B was watching.

So today was the second day I got to interact with the kids. I was helping child A with some math homework. I can remember doing the same problems in New York, and remember the different things going on around my neighborhood and in my life at the time. My alcoholic uncle living with us and his friends visiting the house being the clearest memory. Back to present time, before the flashback; I was trying to get him to try to do the work. He wasn't interested in the least bit with my deep, thought out insight on the NUMBER LINE. I mean who in their right mind can't get excited about the number line... Seriously though, I could relate to him being uninterested and his constant glance at his surroundings. The voices, laughing, screaming, running and playing seemed to wander in his thoughts as they did mine; I could read him so well because I could relate so well. When we finally got through with the problem and I left him working on the next one, I was moving on to helping child B focus on her homework. She was singing: "my momma wear no underwear, blah blah blah she ain't got no hair". So I move over to this young mind that needs to be reached. Child B saw my approach coming and she quickly justified her self by saying: "Mr. Antonio, I'm sorry but I'm a freak". What do you say to that? I wanted to bust out laughing, but I didn't want to crush this eight year old's concentration. So I simply said: "child B, quit playing around and focus on your homework." When homework was done, I took them to the park to play. I haven't watched kids have fun playing together in so long... brought back hide and go seek memories. Makes me wonder where the kids I grew up with are now. Besides Johnny of course, who ended up in jail for life. Thats another blog.

thirsty

Beautifully dodging bullets filled with my own dreams and sanity
In sanity I find dreams as hope
Insane I'm running out of hope
I hope to change the world one day
I dream to make the people see
I hope they're not blind to dreams in my sleep
because most people don't want to see
too wrapped in middle class
to not see past
the other side of the globe like trash
or maybe their own backyard
where up the street or the interstate
theres more than just dreams and hope
Theres families and stomachs filled with necessity,
I hope I could need less to say, they're happy
I dream I could need to say less, but its a story untold
Families happier than you could ever be

Happy to see today because yesterday was a
Dark day down deep while you sleep behind the border
Sleeping with dreams deeper than draining running water
Some days Papi was gone for days looking for work and Mami was making food from Corn
These were the good days
Now Papi's in and out and the roof is leaking, roots of leaves breathing through my roof
water seeps through and feeds the roots
they grow as another drop of my dreams hits me on the forehead
I'm thirsty
Papi says we're hungry because he dreams of us moving to America
Mami says its our only hope
The way we live isn't bad, I'm just hungry and wish the bugs to go away
Sleep on a bed and maybe, just maybe get an education

The coyote that leads this venture is looking for cash
so Papi borrows Dinero he doesn't have
Hands it to a man who's face Mami said to not remember
Mami y papi said our hopes and dreams are just across a few borders and rivers
but I didn't agree to the back of that trailer
The first time Papi was able to pay a utility bill, it was for heat.
We weren't cold in the back of that trailer
I still get the chills whenever I break a sweat

his luxurious air conditioning
conditions heat stroke dreams that see beyond memories
hungry for a new tomorrow because yesterday brought today's needs
Even in need, its time to be the feed today's tomorrows.
Because if we didn't yesterday
who's gonna think about it today
and who's going to bury the bodies tomorrow?

window ledge

He took a deep breath
As he stared down at the spot in the pavement
He picked out to land
He yelled out to sky and pointed "that’s where hell is"

The sixty sixth story window ledge he was standing on
Was the closest he'd ever been to heaven
Closest he'd ever breathed the air of paradise
Because his heart held hopelessly to the promise
Of one day not being broke

His bank account couldn't agree with his hunger
But eating food and drinking wasn't an issue

He wasn't living on an empty stomach,
He was dying on an empty stomach
Because his frustration hardly left time to eat
His broken heart, was hardly the right time to eat

Ex girlfriend, saw something sour smoothing away his rough edges
So she thought killing what they had would help her hovering
Over his actions cease to exist
She confused him wondering what he'd done wrong
But her selfish soul was too much to bother comprehending

He slaved silently as he whispered cries to himself at night
He’d ask her in his sleepless dreams "are you sure about this?"
She’d respond in his insomniatic nightmares
"Baby I haven't been this sure since the last time blades tiptoed over my burning coal covered wrist"
He wrote her a letter saying "thoughts of you take me to suicide"
He fell asleep in a sweat and woke up on the window ledge

He took a deep breath
As he stared at the spot in the pavement
He picked out to land
He yelled out to sky and pointed "that’s where hell is"

Hell is in the darkest reflection of light on your skin
"I MISS YOU" he cried into the air surrounding the sixty sixth floor

As tears fell towards hell
He saw they disintegrated as they got closer to the ground
He didn't want to fade into the dark

Then he thought he came to his senses as if he felt spirits
Move him away from the ledge, telling him not to jump

He stepped down from the ledge and said to himself,
"God, this was silly" as he tripped and pulled himself to the outside of the window
To his relief, his body flung...
Out of the window
Toward that spot marked on the pavement

On his way up he prayed
Thank you for helping me through this god
Thank you for helping me through this
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME GET